Healing from Trauma

I start this post with a confessional, something that has taken me time to accept, understand and realise, and that is; I am a child of trauma. Although for many this is an insignificant statement, for me its a statement that confronts me to acknowledge my past, what has happened to me, the pain that has been inflicted upon me and it explains why I am the person that stands here today.

In my mind my trauma stems back to my parents divorce. At the age of 4 my parents moved us from Townsville to Brisbane, shortly after arriving in Brisbane they separated. I remember going to sleep one night, I was in my room and it was pitch dark, I had a feeling of uneasiness and being unsettled, that night my parents divorced and my father left. In all honesty, I am not even sure if thats what happened, however that is what my brain has created and thats my 4yr old self trying to make sense of the situation.

Due to my parents divorce my mother was left to be a single parent to 3 young children in a foreign city where she had no family, connections or support. I understand it was not easy for her. While my mother was trying to grieve, deal and cope with the idea of this new life, I felt that my emotional needs were not supported or met, the love that I craved was not offered and I learned to find solace in animals and myself. I know that I do not blame my mother and understand that she was doing her best in the difficult situation she was given.

My father was left bitter and resentful, it was a messy divorce. I only saw him every 2nd weekend and had to share him with his wife. At times I wasn't sure if I was his priority or his wife was. Due to his bitterness towards my mother any wrong that I did or behaviours that I displayed that he didn't like, he blamed on my mother. I was always put in a situation where I had to defend my mother as her child, yet doing this made my father resent me as he resented my mother. I always felt my love from my father was conditional. He was an affectionate man, yet at times was very hurtful with his words. I felt this left confusion and inner conflict within myself, somehow the words were more important than his affection and when the words hurt, I rejected his affection.

Both my parents did wrong and could have handled their emotions, words and issues better. I hope to think they both did the best they could. I understand they were both children of trauma and dealing with their own battles in life. I forgive them knowing they did the best they could, given the life and circumstance they had.

This childhood trauma has manifested in many ways. As an adult I struggled for many years with accepting affection and love, knowing that I had not received love as a child or when I did, it felt conditional. This meant relationships were difficult for me and when I felt the was potential for love, I sabotaged it in order to protect myself from experiencing potential pain. consequently I still experienced pain as I deeply craved love, though couldn't risk the chance of getting hurt. I never allowed myself to experience a new way of thinking or feeling until recently.

Recently I was triggered by a rejection, however I felt a pain that I never experienced before as an adult. A pain that made me feel hopeless and broken. I finally understood that I was never loved and when I was given the opportunity to be loved, to only have it be ripped away from me, I experienced the same pain I did as a child, expect this time I am 31. I finally realised that I experienced childhood trauma and that it shaped me into the person I am. When I felt the weight of pain, hopelessness and brokenness, I didn't know what to do, where to go and how to heal, it all felt like too much, I wanted to give up, I couldn't go through this pain again and feel it so intensely. I spoke to my therapist and cried, I couldn't cope anymore, I blamed the person for rejecting me for all of this, if it had not been for them, I wouldn't be in this situation. I now understand that no one was to blame for the way I am today, everything has shaped me and taught me life lessons.

Although what has happened to me may have shaped me in some ways that I feel are maladaptive, I understand that throughout this time, I have only been doing what I feel is best to protect me. As my eyes and mind have been opened, I better understand myself, I can finally heal, theres nothing wrong with me, something happened to me. I know longer need to hold onto the pain thats held me back, I can take risks and be safe and loved, I am worthy of all my needs and thank the pain for teaching me what has happened to me.

Trauma is unpleasant and difficult and many people go through it. It shapes our mind and alters our brain to think, feel and behave in ways that are not conducive to functional life. Yet if we can only understand what has happened to us and fully understand ourself, we can use that trauma to heal, relearn and create a new life for ourself. Know that the pain you are feeling now is there to tell you whats right and whats wrong, this pain wont last and you can heal from it.

Trauma taught be to be sensitive, in-tune and empathetic to those around. I know I feel strongly and can get triggered. Though I thank trauma for creating the wonderful person I am today.

I thank Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry for writing the book "What happened to you". My soul is now warmed and I understand myself.

Much Love, Joe