The Year that was 2021!

The year that was. As I look back on the year I see the good and bad. I am not sure if the year turned out the way I wanted it to, however in retrospect I believe the year created change in me that I needed.

The first 6 months of the year was normal and bliss, I moved into my own little place, had a stable job, quit my job and took a break. I was forming good friendships and felt like everything was going as well as it could.

It wasn’t until the 2nd half of the year when tragedy broke. I was in the darkest deepest black pit of my life, I felt broken and numb, my body was disconnected from its emotions and I felt like I had no control over my cognitions or feelings. For weeks I couldn’t eat and lost weight, I felt like I was drowning and coping was the only thing I could do. I started to see a therapist and discover more about myself and how this life event had impacted me so significantly. There were times that I couldn’t bare the pain I was suffering, I started journaling, running, meditation and medication. I spoke to and relied on friends and family for support. I thought I was getting better and improving, then all of a sudden, I would get triggered, my brain would send me back into pain and despair.

Although the pain and emotional distress I have experienced this year has been awful and wished I never needed to go through any of it, I must admit, I have learnt and grown exponentially through it. There’s 3 main things I have learnt this year, Number 1 – learning is the only way to grow. We cannot always learn through positive experiences; pain shows us what needs to change. Number 2 – Forgiveness is the path to freedom. When we cannot forgive, we hold onto our past instead of walking towards the future. Forgiveness does not condone people; it is about accepting what has happened to you and giving up the hope that the past was any different. Number 3 – Gratitude. Be grateful for what you have now and what you have received. Gratitude helps us stay connected and humbled by our world.

This year I finally understand what self-love is, it’s not about eating healthy or exercising, it’s not looking at yourself in the mirror and saying words of affirmation, its being kind to yourself, knowing that you are enough. We are flawed people, but that is ok. I deserve to be kind to myself and allow myself to feel and do what makes me happy. Throughout this time I have been looking to others for validation, yet the only person that I need validation from is myself. Unless I can love and validate myself, how could I do this to others. I’ve learnt to put boundaries on myself and others. I understand that I can still be kind and still say no. I learnt that I can cancel my plans with friends and still be loved and valued.

Although this year I met my broken self, I also met the strongest and most courageous part of me from this experience. I have needed time to heal this year, heal from my trauma, past, my brain, my body and all that has happened. Through the arduous journey of healing I have been blessed with the gift of post traumatic wisdom, I finally have the wisdom to fully understand my authentic and subconscious self and know I am not alone.

As I look forward, I see a future calling me, the universe is screaming at me to follow the calling. I know what I need to do and where I need to be. Thank you to my wonderful friends who supported me with company, compassion and presents. My mum for always being a listening and non-judgmental ear. My therapist for helping me love myself. And most of all, I thank myself.

Much Love, Joe